RESENTMENT, NO 1 KILLER OF RELATIONSHIPS

RESENTMENT, NO 1 KILLER OF RELATIONSHIPS

Now, who says supposedly ‘happily married’ couples don’t have issues?! Helloooo?!…if you feel like that and you are still on my page… kindly leave, as in quietly! Lol… okay, hold on… just stay and learn.

Apart from the many problems in marriage I know of, the one major one I can categorically tell you about is ‘Resentment’. This one is a slow poison that will not only consume you and your partner, but everything connected to your partner, be it living or non-living. And if not treated on time, it could affect every aspect of one’s life: focusing on your goals, forming relations (particularly healthy ones), living a genuinely happy life. Trust me, you don’t need these myriad of problems!

Resentment stems up mostly from Unmet Expectations. That is your spouse or partner hasn’t lived up to your criteria or expectations, especially when you feel you have put in 100% of yourself emotionally and physically. It further increases when he or she continues to exhibit behaviours that got you to that point in the first place. Wow!

I’ll give examples, so that it doesn’t feel like I’m blabbing. The examples will also help someone who has probably been living in denial start to understand whatever ‘poisonous’ emotions he or she may be going through.

Scenario 1

A man who feels he contributes more financially and sometimes physically in a relationship. Everytime he gets home each day and sees his wife or partner looking relaxed VERY relaxed. He assumes automatically that he’s the only one carrying he burden of the house. He doesn’t talk about it but just stores all this pent-up anger inside.

Scenario 2

A partner who feels totally neglected in her material needs despite all she puts on the table; she does EVERYTHING that you can think of in the house. Despite everything, she doesn’t get a thank you, not even a praise.

Scenario 3

A supposed joint account that an aggrieved partner doesn’t have access to. He or she is not even allowed to so much as smell the cheque book. All he or she knows is that at every point in time, he or she is expected to put a certain amount into that account.

I could go on and on, but the point is the feelings emanating from different situations are still very much the same.

Did I ever experience this feeling? Yes. And I’m sure I’m not the only one that sailed in this ship. The truth is that, nobody likes to be cheated by their ‘best friend’ or close buddy. Everyone loves to feel like they are on the same page as their partner.

So how do you get over this negative emotion, you may ask? Well, I’ll share with you some of my tips (practical ones o!) :

  1. Make God the center of your relationship and whatever decisions you intend to take. In short, pray ceaselessly. Because whether you like it or not, you require divine understanding of whatever situation you may be going through.
  2. Confide in a close pal or your spiritual leader. You never know how God wants to help you. It may be through a counsel from that trusted person. Besides the counsel, it gives a good feeling to get some load off your chest… or do you want to die young and unfulfilled? Just talk.
  3. Communicate your feelings to your spouse or partner. For all you know, he or she may be unaware of the resentments you harbour. You won’t lose anything if you express yourself. The more you express yourself, at the appropriate time though, the better you feel about your partner.
  4. For crying out loud! No one owes you anything. You owe yourself everything: a life full of happiness, proposed goals. Get rid of that ‘entitlement’ mentality. You are his wife, and so?! I’m the next of kin and so?

Finally , kindly end this pity party and start living a mentally healthy life.

N.B If you are going through this emotion now and you need neutral person to talk to and possibly a referral to a psychologist, send a message to this number on whatsapp 08185553713.

Only serious people will be attended to OR else you will be blocked permanently! Once your session is over, it is over! Don’t send a message about how the cock tried crossing the road and got killed…you will be blocked, I promise.

LEARNING TO FORGIVE YOUR SPOUSE IN MARRIAGE

This may be one of the longest post I may have written since my blog days, but I am writing it from the bottom of my heart. Forgiveness or should I say lack of it, is what is destroying a lot of homes, marriages and relationships today.

Hey, before you go ahead and do something stupid, or sign those divorce papers, even when deep inside, you know it’s something you really don’t want to do, you need to understand that Marriage was never meant to be perfect. Marriage comprises of 2 people and people are not perfect too. The only perfect being is God…no one can take His place.

You’ve been holding on to some past hurt for too long now, and now it’s time to let go.

I know understand you feel betrayed, disappointed, angry, bitter, hateful…but I tell you, these are not the feelings weighing you down. Nope…it’s your LACK OF FORGIVENESS that is weighing you down. 

You have allowed the hurt to completely and totally consume your very being, depriving you of all the love you possibly enjoy, thereby, wasting your time and draining you of energy needed to do positive things.

Holding on to this hurt will not only lead to extreme bitterness and hate or cloud your judgement, it will eventually affect your physical and mental well being.

Starting the process of Forgiving…

Forgiving your spouse will take much more than counseling, it will take the Grace of God and His divine intervention. Without His intervention, that road to forgiveness will be a long, tortuous and impossible mission…so you need to invite Him as an escort.

You need to understand that if our Heavenly Father can forgive us all our horrible sins, then who the hell are you not to forgive?! (Imagine if you were God, imagine how many souls you would have condemned due to lack of forgiveness). As long as we are mere mortals, we are compelled to forgive our brothers as many times as possible.

You also need to understand also that, not been able to forgive your spouse is as good as ‘murdering’ him or her. Therefore, that makes you a ‘murderer’! Does this remind you of one of the commandments of God…“Thou shalt not kill…”

Starting the process of forgiving your spouse may involve the following baby steps:

  1. Be open and truthful to yourself about your hurt, why you truly can’t forgive your spouse, why you are tightly holding on to the hurt or betrayal. You can use a 2nd or 3rd party to help you reach the very core of the truth behind the lack of forgiveness.
  2. Make that firm decision to honestly forgive your spouse. Only you can make that decision for you.
  3. When the images of betrayal or hurt flash through your mind, remember, it’s the devil trying to distract you. The devil thrives on people’s hurt and makes mountains out of it. Don’t let the devil be victorious.
  4. During the healing or forgiveness process, try, and I mean try, not throw his or her mistakes back at his or her face. Don’t remind your spouse of the betrayal each time there’s an argument.
  5. If you have been planning a revenge, stop it now. You are only extending your pain and hurt, which, if I need to remind you, is utterly pointless.
  6. Believe your spouse if he or she tells you that there really was no reason behind hurting or betraying you.

I also need to share some home truths about this Forgiveness Process,

  • It sure takes time. It’s not a one day affair, but it will definitely happen.
  • It’s possible that the relationship may never be reparable, but you can still forgive, especially in the case of spousal abuse in a domestic violence situation. You either Forgive and Move on or You move out and then help your spouse get the help him or she needs.
  • Trust is usually badly damaged in this kind of situation. But if your spouse is truly sorry, then slowly start trusting again.

My marriage is not perfect, and I don’t expect yours to be either. In the pursuit of marital bliss, those that are victorious, put up a good fight to keep their marriage that way.

People say and do things they don’t mean and end up living a life of regret just, simply because they are struggling with getting over past hurt caused by their spouse.

Forgiveness, ironically, is a continuous life learning process in marriage, which if practiced accordingly, moves you a step closer to heaven. Yeah…you can say that again…Forgiveness is a bitch! but you just gotta do it.

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May God grant us the strength and grace to forgive in our marriages. Amen.

“MY HUSBAND HIT ME FOR THE FIRST TIME, SHOULD I BE WORRIED?”

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Image credit: Imgarcade

Dear NHW,

Please I just need to clarify from you.

Something happened on Saturday between me and my husband. We had an argument over him cheating on me. I saw some texts in his phone from one lady, indicating that they had sex and it was good. Unfortunately for my husband, I was about to use his phone to make a call when the message came in. I read it and I immediately confronted him about it.

An argument ensued. Just because I didn’t catch him on top of her does not vindicate him and so he tried to wiggle his way out of it. And there’s nothing I hate more when someone is trying to make a fool of me and so the only way I could get back at him was to blurt out,”Don’t worry dear…equation is balanced so you don’t need to argue or apologise!” He asked me to explain what I meant and I told him that it was balanced because I had also cheated on him in the past and was still fighting with my conscience when he did his own! Meanwhile, this was not true. I only said it because I was angry.

As soon as those words came out, my husband slapped me so hard! I was in so much shock that I didn’t really get what happened. I’m supposed to be the aggrieved person here.

I plan to leave my marriage because that’s how this domestic violence thing starts. What do yomlu think ma, should I be worried because this is the first time and I don’t want there to be another time.

*Dear blog reader, don’t you think you are being a bit melodramatic! I really should scold you for putting fire into the problem. It would have been your call for an apology but now you’ve spoilt things with your caustic mouth. Now how am I sure you’ve never even cheated. Granted, your husband shouldn’t have hit you but he is human. What were you hoping to achieve by retaliating? Now that he hit you, you want to move out…not necessary. From all indications, your marriage sounds really young, hopefully in time you will both mature.

You need to be more prayerful and ask God for wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Don’t be hasty in talking. Action and reaction often times, is equal and opposite.

Anyway couples do have squabbles, go and Communicate with him. You could start with an apology or other ways to massage his ego. Wish you all the best dear.

ARGUING IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS HELPS THEM HANDLE CONFLICTS LATER IN LIFE

Arguments often flare around the dinner table at Christmas but these rows appear to make children better at dealing with disagreements in later life by changing the way their bodies respond to stress

Photo credit: DAILY MAIL

Who agrees?

According to DAILY MAIL, the points raised are as follows:

 

  • Scientists found that people who experienced intense verbal aggression as children are better able to handle disagreements later in their lives
  • Those who had reported seeing their parents and other family members arguing as children had a lower stress response when discussing conflict
  • One expert said: ‘Conflict experiences can be beneficial, by alleviating tension and avoiding conflict escalation

Dr Lindsey Aloia, who led the research at Rollins College in Florida, said that experiencing arguments at a young age appeared to make people better at managing the stress that accompanies them in adulthood.

She said: ‘Conflict experiences can be beneficial, by alleviating tension and avoiding conflict escalation, reducing communication apprehension, and contributing to closeness within the relationship.

The findings appear to contradict previous research that has shown that people with experience of conflict in childhood are more likely to be argumentative themselves in future relationships, while also having an increased risk of depression, distress and anxiety.

Dr Aloia said that some studies have also shown that people who experience large amounts of conflict can suffer from relationship dissatisfaction and are even more likely to become physically violent.

The latest findings suggest that experiencing arguments at a young age can alter the way people’s bodies react to stressful situations.

The researchers warn that this may in fact make them less likely to shy away from an argument as a result and they hope to explore this in future research.

Well, NHW doesn’t particularly buy the idea of arguing in front of the kids. Some arguments can be inevitable in front of kids but how quickly the issues are resolved is key.

One can consider arguing in front of the kids based on the following criteria:

  • The frequency of the argument
  • The intensity of the argument
  • Associated behaviors following the arguments e.g name-calling, shoving, beating, etc
  • Situation after argument e.g hugging, kissing,

My kids generally don’t like seeing unhappy situations, more so their parents arguing. My son, for one, gets bothered seeing mummy and daddy quarrel, but is quickly re-assured when we let him know that we are only trying to get our points across and then he sees that we kiss and make up.

One may also argue that really a healthy amount of parental arguments that is properly resolved will help kids deal with conflicts later in life, so that they do not go on thinking that life is all rosy.

 

 

GOD SENT AN ANGEL TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE

Image credit: Katiecroo

God, really is the bedrock of every marriage. Without God, no marriage, I repeat, no marriage can survive.

I discovered God in the early years of my marriage. I never really took all those ‘witches and wizards’ story seriously until I got married. Hmmm, I then realised that as God unites, devil is always looking for ways to scatter a home, and this devil uses human beings as an entry point into the supposedly blessed or sanctified home. How does the devil do this? Through doubts, fears, conflicts, mistrusts, infidelity between couples. What I am trying to say is that, once there is a crack in the marriage or home, the devil gains entry.

It was about 9 months after our wedding, I and my husband were always having one quarrel after the other. I knew deep down, that our marriage wouldn’t survive the 1st 5 years everyone always talked about, or so I thought. I cannot exactly remember what caused our heated argument (one never really knows) but it usually borders around MONEY! All I remember saying and doing is that I was leaving my home with my son and ending this marriage for good. (Oh, my goodness! Little did I know the devil was ecstatic!) All my husband said was, ” If you step out of this house, don’t bother coming back!” And so I called up my parents to send the driver that would help pack my things and that of my child! They obliged. (You see that, the devil operates even outside). When the devil goes all out to destroy what God has built, it has no limit.

I got to the office and I didn’t tell anybody that my marriage was over. How do you begin to tell people that kind of ‘good’ news! Besides, I really wasn’t in the habit of sharing my marital stories with my girl folks. I continued my work aimlessly until it got to the last client. It was a ‘deeper-life’ woman with her 16 year old son. As soon as she came in with her son, she sent him out! I was about to protest her actions, when she said, “Go back home!” I looked behind me to see if she was speaking to someone else in the office. I was the only one. I don’t remember mentioning that I had left my home.
“Go back home, my child”, she pleaded. “They are trying to push you out of the marriage. They are trying to destroy your marriage!” I wondered who ‘they’ was.
“If you leave, they will succeed” she continued.
“Are you a Christian? Do you believe in God and what he can do?” I nodded. At this point, I was completely dumb-struck, like I was in a trance…listening obediently without argument.
“When you go home, make sure you pray in every corner of your house and sprinkle holy water or anointing oil as well. Do not leave any part of the house out”, she instructed.
“God bless you my child”. And with that, she left.
I suddenly felt this overwhelming peace and calm. My work had ended for that day. So, I immediately set out to carry out the instructions.

It was about 6:00pm when I left my office. On the way, I called my husband. I asked him where he was and he said he was still at his office. I told him I would meet him at home. I had about 1 hour to do what I needed to do.

God being faithful, allowed me get home in 30minutes. I did exactly what the ‘angel’ instructed me to do. I prayed like I’ve never prayed before at every corner of my house and sprinkled holy water as well.

My husband came home shortly after that, and wanted to say something. I refused, we had to pray first. We held hands and prayed. Do you know that till date, we do not know how that ‘evil’ came upon our home and we haven’t bothered talking about it.

By His grace, we have spent over 8years together and we haven’t quarreled to the extent of abandoning our marriage.

Couples really need to develop an ‘obedient’ spirit for them to truly experience God’s intervention. God does not unite people and then break them up. Every marriage experiences problems, and when you call on His name, you should calm down and listen to what He has to say or else you miss it…and completely too.